Warning, this post includes some overthinking and a bit of social anxiety sprinkled with low confidence.
Hi! Do you know the feeling when you’re sad and anxious but happy and excited at the same time?
Well, it happened. My two best friends left the country to study at uni in Glasgow, Scotland. I won’t see them till Christmas (they arrive back on 19th of December). I am very happy for them; it must be so amazing to live and study in Scotland.
I didn’t cry. And I don’t even know why. I guess it just didn’t come to my head that they actually left. I don’t know if it’s good or bad – I mean, am I just Miss Heart of Stone? It should be a big deal to me, and it sure is, but I am not even as sad as I imagined I would be. Sure, I’m sad I won’t see them for a long long time. But it’s not that kind of I’m gonna die of sadness sad. It’s just sad. And I feel quite bad, because it’s like I don’t miss them, which I do, but apparently not enough. And that makes me very uncomfortable.
On the other hand. I am quite excited, because I was on a five-day stay in some camp in Moravia (which is part of the Czech Republic). It was a make friends with everyone who studies at the same uni AND is a freshman as you kind of event. I thought it was a good idea to go there, because that way I could meet some new people, otherwise I would be forever alone, as usual. I literally had to push myself to chat with people and be all outgoing and stuff. Which I don’t like, because meeting new people makes me anxious as hell – this is called social anxiety; I hate it, it makes my life really hard to live and it’s no good.
Well. I made friends with a few people, but not that kind of friends you talk to very often after this five-day stay. They’re nice and everything, but I don’t think we’ll meet very often – partly because they’re all studying at different uni than me.
However, I met this guy. His name’s Richard, he’s really tall and has short fluffy curly hair, which is adorable. We met by an accident, I’d say. Me and Anna (a friend who I met there and shared a room with) went for a dinner, but there was no free table, so we asked Richard and his friend if we could sit with them.
We became quite good friends, I’d say. On the last day we talked till like 4 am. It was soooo nice, because I felt very comfortable with him – no social anxiety at all. Only I think I talked awkward rubbish, because I was very nervous – I didn’t expect someone to just come to me wanting to chat with me and spend time with me. I embarrassed myself a lot, I guess.
Another thing I didn’t expect was that we would chat after we got home, using Messenger and so. I’m like whaaaaat, someone is actually friends with me?! Very unlikely.
It’s so nice that I’m worried he’s just some evil guy who will toss me out when bored. He doesn’t seem like it, but I am so gullible and naive that in the end I wouldn’t be so surprised if this actually happened, haha…